Are You "Helping" or "Over-Functioning"?

Allow me to describe some character traits, while you consider whether or not you can relate to them, OK? 

* Are you the one who always organizes things, down to sending personalized reminders to your adult friends/coworkers?

* Do you find yourself taking the lead on projects over and over again?

* While others say things like, "Would it be cool if we went to Spain someday?" are you the one researching tour companies, reasonable flights, and cheap hotels?

* Do you assume more than your fair share of chores at home?

* Are you the keeper of the address book, the sender of the group texts, the main communicator in your tribe?

* Are you the one who "makes things happen"? 

* Do you find yourself thinking, "If I didn't do this, it would never get done"?

* Have you never, not once, allowed your child (or coworker, perhaps) to fail at something because you could see the problem screeching down the tracks so you fixed it before a crash could happen?

Now, I am no Buzzfeed quiz-writer, but I'd like to humbly suggest that you, my friend may be over-functioning. I know the signs very well because I'm a recovering over-functioner. 

Your heart is in the right place -- you want others to succeed, you want to plan that dream trip to Spain, you want things to go well. The work you do may be ethically important, or even a matter of life-or-death. But the shadow side of all this "helping" you are doing is that when we over-function, we allow others to under-function. 

Read that again: When we over-function, we allow others to under-function. 

And when others under-function, it confirms our narrative that we are the only ones who can be trusted to get things done, and get them done right. So the cycle continues. 

Think about it -- you consistently go above and beyond at work, going that extra mile farther than your co-workers. Your co-workers might get lazy -- after all, when you are reaching for the gold star all the time, they can hang in the background, laying low. Or, it may not be as nefarious as that. Your co-workers might stop trying harder because all your striving and excelling makes them feel like their mediocre (or so they think) ideas might not be welcome or "good enough" by your standards.

In your home, you might be assuming more of the household work without ever having a conversation with the people you live with about how to divvy up the household work in the first place. And before you know it, you are lugging around the laundry and the invisible resentment that goes with it. You start to think the people you live with take you for granted, but your over-functioning hasn't even allowed them the opportunity to consider which chores need to be done in the first place. 

As a recovering over-functioner, here's what I've learned about loosening the vice grip of control and "helping" -- 

1. People will mess up and fail and not do things the right way whatsoever, and you will have to be all like, "Wow that's so great! thanks!" even as you resist the urge to fix it all. 

2. At the very same time, it will also be absolutely OK that things aren't done the way you would do them. Sometimes, you may not be ready to admit at first, they are even better than the way you would do them. 

3. People you thought were perhaps lazy or uninspired or unmotivated will surprise you by rising to the occasion. 

4. When you merely "function" instead of "over-function," you have so much more time and freedom for creativity. 

5. When you get really wild and crazy into this, you will intentionally spend time resting -- not mindlessly scrolling on your phone, that's not rest.  And you might just also find yourself resenting others a wee bit less. 

6. Sometimes, no one else will step up to the plate. Then you have a choice to make - allow it to fail, or make it happen. You have to take these one day at a time and decide your next steps on a case-by-case basis. 

I'm here to say it's worth trying. Also, don't get it twisted --I need regular, and I mean REGULAR, reminders not to over-function. Some say over-functioning is a stress or trauma response, and there is likely a lot of validity to that. Letting go and allowing others to rise up and contribute is a practice. It takes time, and I have a suspicion I'll still be working on this on my deathbed. (Me, shaking my head wondering if I should tell you I once wrote a draft of my funeral mass, including which hymns should be sung and who should speak.) 

Think about a small way to start. Is there an easy thing you could possibly let go of? Do you have a sense of resentment about something you do on a daily basis? Could you delegate a task at home or work? Take a closer look at the why behind the things you do, and give mere functioning a try. Less truly can be more.