My Journey with "They"

 Years ago, when I was a high school English & Drama teacher, I had a student ask me to refer to them as "they" and use "they/them" pronouns. This would have been around 2015-2016. In a small town, in Central PA. 

Now, despite being the music director at a Catholic Church on the weekends at the time, students knew I was open-minded and accepting. I taught a Gender Studies elective, and all types of people were accepted and celebrated in my classroom and on our stage. 

But, "they/them" was sort of new (to me and our town) in 2015. I understood the limitations of a gender binary, and while I personally couldn't relate to gender fluidity, I listened to what my student told me, and I respected their viewpoint. I fixed their bio in our upcoming play production program. 

Here's where I got hung up -- "they" is plural. Again, this was in 2015 or so, and I was an English teacher. At the time, we were still using "(s)he," "he/she," or the clunky "he or she" in formal writing. I told my student, "I will do my very best, but when I mess up, please know it is not a reflection of my support for you. It's my ingrained grammar training." 

I worked at it. And meanwhile, so it would seem, did the rest of the world. According to the BBC, "they/them" pronouns can be traced back to such trendsetters as Chaucer and Shakespeare, but mostly as gender-neutral pronouns used when you weren't sure which gender someone was. Psychological studies have repeatedly shown that when a gender-neutral pronoun (a singular of which we do not have in English) is used, people tend to think male. (There are also interesting studies about how we assume the male gender of certain occupations, like doctor, lawyer, leaders -- you know, positions of power and influence.)

In 2019, Merriam-Webster added "they/them" as nonbinary pronouns to the dictionary, and while some pedantic English teachers still insisted on not using "they" as a singular, I wasn't among them. It took a little time, but I was invested in supporting my student (and potentially others like them, who at the time weren't speaking up). Now, it's really no big deal. People have their pronouns on their social media accounts and email signatures. I've been to a conference where mine were on my name tag. (How convenient, right?) Before leaving my high school teaching position, I advised the Gender Sexuality Alliance club, and my students held a "Pronoun Day" at the school, and they gave out pins they'd made with various pronouns on them. 

Today (2024 at the time of writing), I use "they/them" pronouns when I think about God. I've struggled a long time with the patriarchal vision of God as this distant father who you wouldn't dare to talk to about your failures, insecurities, hopes, dreams. The angry Old Testament God who would smite in one breath and "bless" a man with offspring from his enslaved handmaiden in the next. 

When I think about Jesus, that's a "he," but definitely not the same as the old-school smite and propagate "he." Jesus didn't only roll with men as disciples and leaders (shout out to to Mary of Madga) and he intentionally questioned and broke down barriers, despite this weird, whitewashed version of Jesus people seem to embrace today. 

I also have recently been learning about Sophia, the feminine energy of God, the wisdom or Spirit of God. She's more of the New Testament, what-just-happened-in-that-upper-room kind of God. When I'm not sure what next step to take, or need help adjusting my attitude about a situation, I'll specifically ask Sophia to swing by if she has a minute. 

But, when I think of God as a whole, it's "they/them." After all, any time we think we can neatly fit God in a box, whatever is in the box is not likely to be God. In the origin story of humankind in Genesis, people were made in the image of God. Diverse, creative, different, incredible, miraculous people -- all in the image of God. Sorry, "he" doesn't do it for me for this kind of God. 

While I'm still fully comfortable in my "she/her"-ness, considering and then adopting a larger range of pronouns has enriched my life and my use of them has helped people in my life feel more human, more seen, more valid. And doing my part to show love to others in this world is exactly what I'm meant to do while I'm still on this side of the soil.