Demand to Speak to the Manager: Internal Family Systems Theory

Earlier this month, Martha Beck released a new book called Beyond Anxiety: Curiosity, Creativity, & Finding Your Life's Purpose.  The premise for this book is that anxiety plagues us all to various degrees, but that we don't have to remain captive. Instead, freedom is found through understanding where our anxiety comes from and what purpose it serves. Once we understand it, we can respond intentionally and creatively. I'm only about halfway through this book, but a section I recently finished on Internal Family Systems has me thinking. 

Dr. Robert Schwartz developed the theory of Internal Family Systems (IFS) in the 80s, but like many theories, IFS is enjoying a revival these days. Essentially, IFS is the concept that different parts exist inside each of us, and those parts function much like a family. Now, this is not to say that we have a disordered, so-called split personalities. Not at all. It's more like we have aspects of our personalities with sometimes competing agendas. The three main parts in Schwartz's theory are the Exiles, the Managers, and the Firefighters. 

The Managers are the parts of us that like control -- it's the part that makes the lists, the rules, the goals. The Manager tends to know what is intellectually best for us, from healthy eating and exercise to sticking to a budget. The Manager can be a little uptight at times, but they just want what is best for us. 

The Firefighters, on the other hand, are those parts of us that we can get frustrated with, because we see them as weak. The Firefighter's main job is to protect us, and sometimes they can choose things like distraction, addiction, numbing out, binge-watching, or doom-scrolling. The Manager might say mean things to the Firefighter like, "Why are you so lazy? Why can't you ever follow through with anything?" 

The Exiles are painful experiences that we've been able to splinter off and subsection, in order to survive. These are those flashbulb memories of pain that I bet you are able to picture just by reading this sentence. We don't like to dwell on these moments, for obvious reasons. Our brain compartmentalizes so that we can continue to function. The Managers take over, seeking efficiency and success, while the Firefighters remain vigilant, scanning for the moment the Exiles crop up and need to be squelched. 

All of these parts are working, independently most of the time, in our minds.  It's easy to see how these parts can relate to anxiety and the spirals we can so often find ourselves in. In IFS therapy, an attempt is made to identify and acknowledge the role of all of these parts. Throughout Beck's book, she walks the reader through practical exercises related to anxiety. In the section I've just outlined about IFS, she offers a suggestion to write to each of the 3 parts: Exile, Manager, & Firefighter. After acknowledging each part, she suggests we ask the part what its intention is, and what they fear might happen if they stopped doing their job. For example, the Manager might say that their job is to help us become the best version of ourselves, and they are afraid if they quit making up unrealistic expectations and rules for us, then we might just do nothing of value with our lives at all. The Firefighter might say they want to protect us from having to revisit that terrible moment of trauma in our past and that doom-scrolling seems like the easiest way to distract from it. They might be afraid that if they don't protect us, we might have to face and process the pain in our past. 

Let's look at this idea, using a common goal this time of year: weight loss. Now, you may want to lose weight because the culture is telling you you don't look like you should. When you start to dig deeper, you might find Exiles like the first time someone told you you were fat when you were in elementary school, or that painful time you overheard someone talking about how you had gotten "thick" lately. The Manager comes in, diet books and exercise plans in hand. They decide that you are going to hit the gym and hit it hard. They have cut everything from your kitchen -- sugar, gluten, starches, gone. They know the best way to fix this problem. The Firefighter is ready for when these extreme restrictions will undoubtedly fail, because they always do. They've seen it all before. You will "cheat" and have a cookie and the Manager will berate you, making you feel just like you did the day that kid on the playground called you fat. The Firefighter knows what to do, though, and they will comfort you with reassurances and Netflix and sugary snacks as the "Ah, what the hell" mentality arrives. The cycle repeats -- all because the 3 parts aren't really understanding or working together. 

Fascinating, right? I keep coming back to these ideas, because they do apply to so many life experiences -- career, relationships, goals. If any of this sounds intriguing to you, I highly recommend getting a copy of Martha Beck's book for yourself, of course. Maybe it's time for an internal family meeting.